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Silver Threads: Alternative Christmas tunes

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To be sung to the tune of  "Walking in a Winter Wonderland”:

Voices buzz! Are you listening?
In the aisles, lights are glistening;
I’m weary tonight, I must look a sight,
Walking in the mall on Christmas Eve.

In awhile, I’ll be greeting
Guests who’ve come for the eating
Of holiday gumbo; I can’t be slow,
Walking in the the mall on Christmas Eve.

Every year, I say never!
I can’t do this forever,
Too old to shop, just about to drop,
Walking in the mall on Christmas Eve.

It’s a shame, I’ve not bought
One small gift I’m sure I ought,
Must get it right now, no matter how,
Walking in the mall on Christmas Eve.

In the distance I can see a necktie,
Looks exactly right for Cousin Mike.
He’ll say, “How’d you know?” and I’ll say, “Oh, fie!
It’s easy just to figure what you’d like.”

Later on, I’ll conspire
As I dream by the fire
To face unafraid new plans that I’ve made
Not to step in any mall on Christmas Eve.

To be sung to the tune of  “Deck the Halls”:

Deck the halls with boughs of holly!
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Tis the season to be jolly!
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Get the lights and get the tree,
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Honey, can’t you come help me?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Get the tinsel and the glitter,
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Mind the mess-up and the litter,
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Honey, can’t you come right now?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Let’s set it all up; you know how,
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Junior and Mary Sue: where’s your dad?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

He’s gone golfing? Just drives me mad!
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Well, step up and help; can’t you see?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

He’s left all the decorating to you and me!

There you have it — in imperfect rhythm and rhyme — my least favorite things about the holidays. I’ll have a Merry Christmas, though, and I wish you all one, too.

Bettye Anding is a former editor of the Living section of The Times Picayune, for which she wrote “Silver Threads” until her retirement. Email comments to her at [email protected]