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Geezer's Journal: 34A?

As you get older, things droop and sag.  It's not pretty.  What was toned becomes fleshy.

Chest, included.  Mine, included.

I don't have man boobs.  Yet.

Or do I?  I can feel--something there.  Sort of like I'm going into a kind puberty with breasts just developing.  Will they get bigger?

I began thinking about this and wondered if someone will ever manufacture bras for men.  If so, this opens up a whole new world, not to mention market.  I can see it now, Wilfred Brimley looking into the camera: "I have diabetes, and I'm a 34 C.  That's why I wear the new 'Sylvester Stallone' man bra.  Keeps me supported and comfortable during my dialysis."

Actually, all sorts of scenarios come to mind. Will men adopt the new mode of bra exposure women have?  Will our straps show if we wear wide-necked T-shirts?  That actually seems kind of sexy to me in a bizarre way.  I'll need a shrink to explain that one.

Then I suppose as I grow even older I'll start to moan about how they're no longer perky and firm.  Gravity's my worst enemy!

I wonder if certain women will be more attracted to big man boobs or smaller ones?  Will I ever catch a woman sneaking a look at my chest as I walk by?  And will I experience, in reverse, one of the great pleasures of lovemaking, a woman trying to surreptitiously unfasten my bra?

"I hardly know you!  Naughty girl!  All good things come to those who wait!  Slow down, Ms.!  This guy needs to feel appreciated!  They're very sensitive.  I don't do this all the time, you know.  They're small--I hope that's ok."

Catalogs?  Victor's Secret.  Women ordering it and taking it to their bedroom and masturbating with it open next to them.  Well, they'd have to sell a man's push-up bra.  "Add two cups!"  And a sports bra. "80 year-old former tennis great John McEnroe wears the Nike Chestman Bra.  Shouldn't you?"  John: "You're not wearing the Chestman Bra? You've got to bekidding me."

And I can hear myself saying this now: When I come home after a hard day's work, I can't wait to talk my bra off!

I could Photoshop something to show a man wearing a bra, but, well, some things are best left to the imagination.

Richard Goodman is an assistant professor of creative nonfiction writing at the University of New Orleans.  He’s the author of French Dirt: The Story of a Garden in the South of France.