An open letter to Guy Who Stole My Truck

Dear Guy Who Stole My Truck, Wrecked It, and Walked Off With My Juggling Clubs,

I get that it’s nothing personal against me, that you have no idea who I am or what I do. You just thought, “Hey, that’s a sick truck chilling on the street,” and then you popped the lock, hot-wired it and drove off while I was at work-study. You even had the foresight to fill the tank (I usually only put five bucks in at a time). And when you took a sharp turn into the Causeway guard-rail — when they took you to the tow yard and refused to let you go home with the radio — I kind of felt for you. You even knew how to drive stick.

But what did you do with my juggling clubs?

Let me just say, Guy Who Stole My Truck, Wrecked It, and Walked Off With My Juggling Clubs, if you miss your court date in the middle of next month it had better be because you got caught up at home working on a three-club cascade. You better be watching videos from the World Juggling Federation on ESPN 2, studying what the pros are doing. Do you know how many things those 10-year-olds can juggle now?

Too many.

And if within the next few months you haven’t learned to stand on that bowling ball while juggling the same three knives I used to perform with, then I will be disappointed in you.

I hope you didn’t just toss that bag aside after you realized what was in it. I hope you looked in it and thought, “This is my opportunity to move up in the world. I don’t have to steal trucks any more because now I’ve got a trade.”

Or maybe you didn’t think that. But perhaps, between felonies, you practice a couple of throws here and there. Before you know it, you’re starting a juggling club at the YMCA and you’re telling your story to The Times Picayune. And then you’ll say, “I owe it all to the owner of a ’93 Nissan pick-up that I jacked last year.”

I’ll be sitting there on my couch watching you. And I’ll even say out loud to the television, “Good for you, Guy Who Stole My Truck, Wrecked It, and Walked Off With My Juggling Clubs. Good for you.”

So, Guy who stole my truck, wrecked it, and walked off with my juggling clubs, if I ever see you again you’d better be on Royal Street, and you’d better be my competition. I want people to come up to me and say, “Yeah you’re good, but Guy Who Stole My Truck, Wrecked It, and Walked Off With My Juggling Clubs down there can do five club backcrosses.”

Because if they don’t say that, if they say, “Guy Who Stole My Truck, Wrecked It, and Walked Off With My Juggling Clubs is a hack,” then I am going to come down there, knock you off your bowling ball and steal your tip jar.

As we street performers say to each other, Fat-hats, Guy Who Stole My Truck, Wrecked It, and Walked Off With My Juggling Clubs. Learn to juggle.

Sincerely,

Stewart Sinclair

Editor’s update: The letter writer never did get his juggling clubs back, and does not know if Guy Who Stole His Truck has taken up the sport. But Guy Who Wrote the Letter still tosses a mean backcross, as seen in the video below: